Curse

KoalaMeatPie · Nov 15, 2006, 07:20 PM // 19:20

http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,...l?tw=rss.index

You play an online game that you enjoy, there's one surefire way to spoil the experience: read the forums on the official site. There you will find a vast underworld of lost souls keening their misery onto your screen. A game you thought was entertaining, well-balanced and attractive will be torn apart before your very eyes and pronounced lacking in every conceivable way.

It doesn't matter that the complainers spend as much time on the game as you do, and probably more. While they may disagree on the nature of the flaws, they are united in agreement that whatever those flaws may be, they are unforgivable.

Herewith then, a guide to the deranged, degraded inhabitants of the forums. You cannot defeat them, they provide precious little experience, but if they get their claws on you, they may turn you into one of their own.

The Power Craver

Wants only one thing -- more power with less effort. Any downgrade in power is infuriating. Any upgrade is insufficient.

Sample Quote: "I can't believe they nerfed the pillar of lava spell! How am I supposed to kill twelve ogres at once now?"

Punishment: Forced to admit that no matter how powerful in the game, still works as a cashier at Kroger in real life.

The Magical Realist

Doesn't understand what a "game" is. Constantly makes arguments based on what would be "realistic," even if the game is set in a fantasy world run by wizards and pixies.

Sample Quote: "You can't tell me a Mondlagarian Tiger Warrior is stronger than a Swamp Troll. That just doesn't make sense!"

Punishment: Sent back to kindergarten for remedial make-believe classes.

The Majority Stockholder

Seems to believe that $15 a month buys you a seat on the board of directors. Doesn't realize that a hundred thousand other people are ponying up the same amount.

Sample Quote: "I've e-mailed the developers several times telling them that Fire Paladins should have the axe-throwing skill. They haven't changed it, but they're still taking my money!."

Punishment: Forced to work customer service for an online game company.

The Emancipator

Sees the game as a titanic struggle between the evil expressive developers and the poor, downtrodden gamers. The evidence? Every rule and limitation in the game.

Sample Quote: "I don't see why I have to complete quests to get epic weapons! If I want my second-level Bumblefur Bard to wield the Deathsword of Arat'rak'k'k'k, that's my right! Quit telling me how to play!"

Punishment: Sent to Sudan to experience first-hand what oppression actually feels like.

The Eternal Quitter

Just comes on the forum to let everyone know he's quitting for good and to spend a dozen paragraphs explaining why. Then does it again three months later.

Sample Quote: "For real, this time."

Punishment: Forced to actually quit.

One-Issue Poster

Only has one complaint, but posts about it 15 times a day. This is because nobody else cares.

Sample Quote: "THE LAVENDER STARBELT IS ACTUALLY PERIWINKLE!!!! WHY DON'T THEY FIX THIS??!!!?!"

Punishment: Lavender Starbelt changed to lilac.

The Lifestyler

Wants a bunch of cosmetic changes to a single type of character. Exhibits an eerie level of identification with said character.

Sample Quote: "The Pastry Elves' laugh should be less bubbly and more tinkly. Our giggle should remind you of gazing at the stars as a child, and our smile should make you think of the taste of honey on a cool spring morning."

Punishment: Character icon replaced with accurate photograph of self.

The Deathmonger

Main complaint about the game is that you can't kill everything. Secondary complaint is that the things you can kill don't suffer enough.

Sample Quote: "Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"

Punishment: To be determined, pending DNA analysis of freezer contents.

-=====-

The Torch-Wielding Troll (by LouAl)

Lives and breathes for one thing - to publicly humiliate all forum posters for their lack of foresight, indepth game knowledge, real-life knowledge, and of course for their lack of any real cognitive ability.

Sample Quote: "WTF, I can't believe you are actually still living. Uninstall the game and throw yourself off the nearest tall building."

Punishment: To be shown to other forum posters as their true self - a 14-year-old, skinny youngster with dirty jeans and no chest hair.

Stemnin · Nov 15, 2006, 07:32 PM // 19:32

lol, so what are you? I think i'd be scared to look at my own pic on my monk's face ><

jcapulet · Nov 15, 2006, 07:34 PM // 19:34

Rotflmao

Contempt · Nov 15, 2006, 07:37 PM // 19:37

Wow....

So you took the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands to slap on people, just so you can what... make yourself feel superior? The only thing worse than the endless crying is the people who think they are l33t because they make posts shouting down everyone they consider "complainers".

Instead of trying to be funny (which you fail miserabley at) why don't you try posting something constructive.

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

luinks · Nov 15, 2006, 07:47 PM // 19:47

Is a joke, and yes it made me laugh...

oh and if you double check the post the first line points to the original article/blog entry, so probably you flamed him for no reason...

jcapulet · Nov 15, 2006, 07:47 PM // 19:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Contempt

Wow....

So you took the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands to slap on people, just so you can what... make yourself feel superior? The only thing worse than the endless crying is the people who think they are l33t because they make posts shouting down everyone they consider "complainers".

Instead of trying to be funny (which you fail miserabley at) why don't you try posting something constructive.

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

The OP didn't make this up, unless Koala is the author in the link provided.

I thought it was hilarious...it's just a parody/joke.

Sid Soggybottom · Nov 15, 2006, 07:49 PM // 19:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Contempt

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

Contempt if you actually took the time to read it instead of going on your tirade, you'd see that the OP didnt "take the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands" It's from an article in Wired magazine.

Now go take a chill pill.

byteme! · Nov 15, 2006, 07:52 PM // 19:52

I thought it was very enlightening.

byteme! · Nov 15, 2006, 07:55 PM // 19:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Contempt

Wow....

So you took the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands to slap on people, just so you can what... make yourself feel superior? The only thing worse than the endless crying is the people who think they are l33t because they make posts shouting down everyone they consider "complainers".

Instead of trying to be funny (which you fail miserabley at) why don't you try posting something constructive.

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

What are you smoking right now?

TEX Cougar · Nov 15, 2006, 07:55 PM // 19:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Contempt

Wow....

So you took the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands to slap on people, just so you can what... make yourself feel superior? The only thing worse than the endless crying is the people who think they are l33t because they make posts shouting down everyone they consider "complainers".

Instead of trying to be funny (which you fail miserabley at) why don't you try posting something constructive.

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

hey less coffee dude, read it more carefully and you'll find a hidden gem amongst it, some call it humour

Anyway, one thats missing are the ones with the uber post counts, that act and treat eachother like they own the forums

Phoenix Ex · Nov 15, 2006, 07:55 PM // 19:55

LOL so funny, stomach hurt!

Guild Wars forums is filled with "the emancipator" and "the magical realists" I have to say. Runner up is "one-issue poster" and "power craver" followed by everything else.

But then the article forgot some...."the know-it-all" being one of them XD

Spura · Nov 15, 2006, 07:58 PM // 19:58

I definitely am deathmonger. Why can't I kill people farming in gw.... sigh. In NWN I would grief the crap out of other players. Constant pickpocketing in town, counterspelling heals while in greater sanctuary(invisible for all) so mobs killed the guy who tried to farm. Or healing and buffing mobs while invisible. After a party kills the hardest boss on the server, casting Time Stop and taking loot. etc...

Kinda miss that with GW, you only meet players in towns, everything else is instanced. It is practically the only thing that I think wow has better than GW. I just wanna be able to kill stuff.

hyro yamaguchi · Nov 15, 2006, 07:58 PM // 19:58

I'm the emancipator :P

*buys a plane ticket to Sudan*

Clawdius_Talonious · Nov 15, 2006, 08:03 PM // 20:03

I admit it, I'm a Deathmonger

Matix411 · Nov 15, 2006, 08:04 PM // 20:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Contempt

Wow....

So you took the time to come up with a bunch of lame brands to slap on people, just so you can what... make yourself feel superior? The only thing worse than the endless crying is the people who think they are l33t because they make posts shouting down everyone they consider "complainers".

Instead of trying to be funny (which you fail miserabley at) why don't you try posting something constructive.

This post is even more useless than "OMFG NERF SEAR FLAMMESS!!!#@".

They forgot to include "The Ridiculer".
Or to be more precise, "Arrogant Troll".

For one, the post wasn't written by the OP, and for two, the author of this article is most likely, and in no way, being serious. Thus this article is dubbed a 'parody', and as much as the titles presented within the article may be true (to an extent), it is meant as a joke.
Please note:
JOKE and PARODY are both words found in the dictionary, try reading them before getting angry at something that was in no way meant to aggro the local forum trolls, and was meant to instead invoke laughter. I would hope you haven't forgotten how to do such a thing?

PS. I found this pretty funny.
I'm not sure what I'd classify myself as ... maybe an Emancipator, not necessarily in GW, but in other games for sure. GW I'd probably be the Deathmonger. I always assume that every time I go soloing things will die just as quickly as when I have a full 8-man party ... then I die.

KoalaMeatPie · Nov 15, 2006, 08:09 PM // 20:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcapulet

The OP didn't make this up, unless Koala is the author in the link provided.

I thought it was hilarious...it's just a parody/joke.

No, I am not a bearded Middle aged man.
I'm A Svlet young... nvm.

Rusty Deth · Nov 15, 2006, 08:09 PM // 20:09

lol too funny...

I think that makes fun of 90% of the people here. Ussually when a post hits page 2 the flames are flying.

Pepsi Jedi · Nov 15, 2006, 08:24 PM // 20:24

I thought it was VERY Funny.

Made all the more so because of how accurate it is on so many levels.

Nothing like a big ol spoon full of truth to brighten the day.

Great paradoy and humorous post. Loved it.

jcapulet · Nov 15, 2006, 08:34 PM // 20:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by KoalaMeatPie

No, I am not a bearded Middle aged man.
I'm A Svlet young... nvm.

LOL

EternalTempest · Nov 15, 2006, 08:39 PM // 20:39

I needed this thread
This is afterall, just a game